Singleness.

Six months ago, being alone was my worst fear. My stability, my self-confidence, my happiness, and my contentment were rooted in people, mostly one person. It was always a part of the plan to end my relationship with my ex-boyfriend before the Race, but no part of me was ready or prepared for what that day would bring. And oh boy, I handled it wayyy worse than I thought I was going to. For my friends and family, they know exactly what the first few months after my breakup were like, and it wasn’t pretty. The summer was nuclear, and I was pulling at straws to find any source of control or identity and utterly failing. One thing I never expected (but probably should have) is that I started to resent The World Race and the God who sent me there for taking the best thing in my life. It is crazy to think about the way that God has redeemed singleness from a painful waiting period to an incredible gift where I just get to be with Him and point my whole life towards my Father. I am interruptible and flexible in ways that I never could be if I had a whole other person to think about, and that freedom is a gift I have started falling in love with. The comfort of the Lord, the gift of wisdom and understanding, and the redeeming power of God are dripping like honey off the past few months. 

I don’t have a single bad thing to say about my ex-boyfriend, I loved him to pieces, still do, and now have the eyes to see all the ways God worked through him and our relationship over the past year and a half and it’s beautiful. He was always good to me, and he is miles ahead of most teenage boys I know in terms of maturity. I felt fiercely loved and well respected for the entirety of my relationship, but what I didn’t realize at the time is that I made him my purpose for waking up in the morning, and he was the only thing that made me feel validated. It was a ticking time bomb and quite unhealthy at that. People are so fragile, and relying on anyone that much is a recipe for disaster, especially a teenage boy who is just trying to figure it all out too. People weren’t made to bear the weight of one another. Now that God has shown me what it’s like to be filled by Him, I see all the ways I was searching for that fullness in other people. No one can fill the holes that God made to be filled by Him! We were designed to be fully satisfied in Him alone: in knowing Him, in experiencing His love, in hearing from Him. To love Him is my whole reason for being. And learning that and seeing all the ways He actually can and will fill me in every single aspect regardless of my circumstances makes me want to scream God’s goodness from the rooftops. Seeing what I’ve seen and experiencing what I’ve experienced, I know that Jesus is the end-all-be-all for this life and the next, and I would be crazy not to share it. So cheers to God’s redemption and for his ability to make my pain beautiful. Glory to God in the highest